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Who's the You Running Your Life?
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By Keith Varnum
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Get Drama and Trauma Out of Your Karma
You finally make a friend or get a hot date with someone you'reattracted to-then blow it by acting aloof or not being yourself.
Have you ever had the experience of deciding to take a certainaction, but end up doing something quite different? Crazy! Whydo we do that? Often our actions are being run by decisions wemade as a kid. Decisions that went on automatic, underground,behind-the-scenes, and now, affect us unconsciously. Decisionsthat are now controlling our actions in the present momentwithout us being aware of them.
You land an exciting job-then blow it by "copping an attitude"with the boss or customers.
Why do we get so off track after we begin with such goodintention and courage? It's those pesky childhood decisions! Aswe grew up, we developed strategies to survive at home and inschool. We wanted our parents' love and attention and a safeplace to live. We wanted to belong, get asked to the prom, andpass exams-while not getting beaten up by the school bully orhumiliated by gossip.
We decided to act in certain ways to keep ourselves as sociallyacceptable and secure as possible.
Congratulations, You Succeeded!
The survival strategies you developed as a kid worked! Thesebehavior patterns were good, positive, beneficial, evenbrilliant. They succeeded in doing the job they were designed todo in that situation at that time. The proof-you're readingthis. These tactics kept you alive! Perhaps a bit bruised, butstill breathing. Breathing, but maybe not as happy as you couldbe.
Once a Friend-Now a Foe
Have you noticed you're still using some of the same behavioralstrategies to get what you want as an adult that you used inyour youth?
Playing na?ve. Being passive-aggressive. Manipulative. Moody.Sarcastic. Confused. Spacey. Overly sexy. Other kid tactics:Pouting. Flirting. Whining. Complaining. Hiding. Running away.Giving up. Fantasizing. Acting dumb. Having accidents. Gettingsick. Playing tough. Acting the fool. Telling white lies. Actinglike a victim. Pretending you're someone you're not.
Do these tactics work currently in your adult life to createwhat you really want-loving mutual relationships, lastingsupport from people and the universe, vibrant health, boundlessenergy, real joy? Usually not! Since the circumstances andnature of our adult challenges have changed dramatically sincewe were young, most kid strategies are no longer appropriate oreffective. In fact, these old tactics now get in the way ofreaching our goals.
Why Don't Childhood Successes Work for Adults?
Because any behavior that is unconscious and automatic can'tadjust to new, different and changing situations. So, theseconditioned childhood survival strategies come back to haunt uswhen we use them as adults-like disruptive ghosts from the past.As adults, we still seek to be liked, to be included, and tomake the grade at work. But instead of applying fresh intuitiveresponses that are appropriate to the current challenges, we areon autopilot-unconsciously controlled by the programmeddecisions we made to deal with the trauma and drama of ourchildhood.
Here are two real-life examples my friend Sulana shares from herlife that demonstrate how childhood decisions affect the way wecreate life in the present:
The Great Pretender
"When I was young, my punishment du jour was being sent to myroom. My room became a safe haven from the rantings andirrational behavior of my alcoholic parents. To lessen thescoldings and whippings, I quickly learned to stay silent aboutwhat I felt or observed. I naturally created strategies to keepmyself as safe as possible: hiding my feelings, telling whitelies, using sarcasm, and spending lots of time alone. And Idiscovered I got attention from my parents by getting ill oracting confused. So, I developed asthma and played dumb.
"Now as an adult, I long for honest, expressive relationshipswith co-workers and employers-and playful, truthfulrelationships with friends and lovers. But my own unconsciousbehavior sabotages the openness and intimacy I so deeply desire.I try to get people to talk about themselves without revealinganything about myself. I pretend to not know information that Ido know. And I look for attention and love from other people bygetting sick and playing helpless and spacey."
The Ex-Flower Child
"At first my new job delivering flowers was right up my alley. Ienjoyed the time driving gave me to be with myself. Then themanagement changed our original agreement and required that Iwork more hours and drive longer distances for less pay. Runningon my childhood programming, I kept my resentment to myself andbecame moody. I felt like a victim, taken advantage of,powerless. I pouted and whined to myself. When I talked to theboss, I was angry and copped an attitude. It wasn't long beforeI got fired."
Who's the You Who Makes You Do?
What do YOU do to try to make friends, stay safe, fit in, beloved? Until we undo these conditioned strategies, the decisionswe made when we were children run all aspects of our lives inthe present: from relationships and health to finances and work.
You can easily discover the automatic behaviors that are runningyou. Scan through your life. Make a list of the challenges youencountered throughout your life. What are the specific, uniqueproblems you had to face at your home, school, college, job-andwith your parents, relatives, friends, teachers and co-workers?What personal strategies did you develop to get yourself throughthe challenges of your journey? Are you still using similartactics? Are these approaches successful?
Intuition to the Rescue
The good news is that when you identify the past programmedstrategies that don't work in your present life, you can createnew strategies that do work. The once necessary kid tactics thatkept you safe and balanced-like training wheels of a bicycle-canbe discarded. You are now capable of keeping yourself balancedand safe using the guiding wisdom of your intuition and acquiredlife experience.
Successful Alternatives Surround You
Exciting and playful alternative strategies are all around you.Lots of people have discovered original, creative ways ofdealing with situations similar to yours. Fresh ideas and modelsare demonstrated in the lives of truly happy and successfulpeople. With keen eyes and perked ears, you can glean fun andcompassionate life strategies from biographies, interviews, TV,movies, books, news, magazines and advice columns. Seek out amentor, shaman or other personal advisor. Let your intuitionguide you to an inspiring workshop or professional coach.
Good luck. Have a good time creating new approaches to life thatwork!
After what you've been through, you deserve it!
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