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Responding to Criticism Without Being Defensive
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By Sharon Ellison
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In an actual war, to be attacked means to have our survivalthreatened. Thus, we might chose between surrender, withdrawal,or counterattack. When we feel attacked (criticized or judged)by others in conversation, we often move into that same kind ofsurvival mentality and automatically defend ourselves. Butconversation is different than war. When we defend againstcriticism, we give more power to the criticism and the persondishing it out than is warranted. While we might need to setsome limits if someone is verbally abusive, I think we oftenward off criticism far too soon, discarding anything that isvalid, as well as what is invalid. The person's words may hurt,but they will hurt less, I think, if we ask questions, decidewhich pieces we agree with (if any) and which ones we don'tagree with. We can just think about it, we don't have to fightit as if we were being attacked with a lethal weapon. I watchpeople's self-esteem increase simply from becoming lessdefensive in the face of criticism and judgement. Besides, wemay find a priceless gem in with some junk.
The War Model: When someone attacks, you surrender, withdraw, orcounterattack The Non-Defensive Model: Ask questions, decidewhat you think, and then respond!
The remainder of this article will demonstrate how to respondnon-defensively to criticism by giving examples for parents,couples, and professionals. While the examples are specific to acertain type of relationship, the information is valuable in anyrelationship. For example, dealing with harsh tones or"pay-backs" can happen with children or adults, at home or atwork. Parents: Are You Letting Your Child Speak Harshly to You?Or Putting Up With Criticism Because of Guilt? As parents, weoften love our children so much and simultaneously feelinadequate to meet all their needs. They sense this and canlearn early how to make us feel guilty as a way to get what theywant. I hear so many children, starting at a young age, speakingin harsh critical tones to their parents. Ginny may simply say"You know I hate peas!" Sam might shout "You never want to letme do anything with my friends!" The judgment might be moredeeply critical of your choices, such as, "You made dad leave!You should tell him you're sorry so he'll come back." When werespond to our child or teen or even our adult child'scriticism, if guilt has a hold on us, we may "take it," and evenapologize, or try to explain ourselves so he or she understandswhy we behaved in a certain way. If we are over our own edges,we may lash back. What I think we can do instead is to separatethe tone of the judgment from the content of what is being said.We can say to Ginny, "If you don't want peas, I still want youto tell me gently." Or, "If you speak to me harshly, then I'mnot going to answer. If you speak respectfully, I'll talk to youabout this." Then, if that child, teen or adult offspring doestalk without harsh judgment, we can, if it is appropriate, offerto discuss the situation. In this way, we can not only refuse tocave in to undue criticism, we can model for our children how to(a) talk about what they need and feel without beingjudgemental, and (b) respond with a blend of firmness andopenness even when someone speaks harshly to us or them.Couples: Avoid the "Pay-Back" When One of You "Gets Critical"When we are in intimate relationships, we often have a "ledgerof offenses" that we have accumulated with each other. And whatI do that offends you often prompts the reaction in you thatoffends me. So when you criticize me, your partner, it remindsme of what you do that "makes" me react that way. And so thecounterattack game begins. "Well, I wouldn't have to react thisway if you didn't always . . ." Or, "Look at you criticizing mefor having a double standard. Haven't you ever looked in amirror?!" Instead, if we listen to the feedback, howeverjudgmental it sounds, and figure out whether we think it appliesto us or not, then we don't have to retaliate immediately andintensify the conflict. Later, during the same conversation, orperhaps even at another time, we can ask the other person (if weare sincerely curious and not point-proving) "Do you think yoursarcasm (for example) contributed in any way to how I reacted?"Or, "Do you think you ever (for example) have doublestandards-or do you think you don't?" We can bring up relatedissues, if we create a transition period and deal first with theone our partner brought up. To remain non-defensive, we mustseparate how we take accountability ourselves from whether ornot the other person chooses to do so at any given moment. Whenwe need to prove our partner is as "bad as we are" or worse, weare neck-deep in the muck of power struggle. In non-defensivecommunication, we address the issue the other person has broughtup trusting that we can bring up our own issue later. Doing socan give both partners a "hearing aid." Professionals: Drop TheGame of Passing the Blame and Enhance Others' Respect Inprofessional relationships how we get our own work done is oftendependent on how well other people do their jobs. So,frequently, when we receive criticism it is easy to "pass thebuck" and justify why we had difficulty with our part based onhow others contributed to that difficulty. Instead of startingout by shifting blame or making excuses, even if we think theproblem was caused by a co-worker, we can ask questions, suchas, "What would you suggest I do differently next time?" or,"Were you aware that I had to get the materials from Jane beforeI could finish the project?" Or, "If she doesn't have her partof the project to me on time, how would you suggest I deal withit?" If the feedback is about your own performance and notrelated to what anyone else has or hasn't done, you can juststart by asking for more information. You can ask for additionaldetails about how the supervisor or co-worker sees your attitudeand behavior. Then, if there are points where you disagree, youcan still use questions, such as, "If you think I shouldn't havecriticized the quality of George's work on the project, are yousaying I should just accept however he does it?" Or, "Are yousaying I should just accept how he did it, or do you think itwas how I said it?" Or, "Do you think there is any way I can lethim know when I think the quality needs improvement?" At somepoint you may wish to disagree with part or all of what theperson is saying. However, if your initial response to criticismis to gather more information, I think you will gainprofessional respect. Also, if the other person is off-base,your questions may prompt her or him to re-think the criticism.Building Wisdom and Gaining Respect For most of us, respondingto criticism without defending our selves has meant being"defenseless," caving in, losing face, feeling bad aboutourselves. On the other hand, responding defensively has meantbeing harsh, closed, shutting others out. This is a no-winchoice. We look bad and undermine our own self esteem eitherway. If we can learn to respond to criticism with truenon-defensive openness and clarity, asking questions, statingour position, and setting limits when needed, we can build ourown wisdom and garner the respect of both the children andadults in our lives. This article is based on Taking the War Outof Our Words by Sharon Ellison, available through your localbookstore or favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. isan award winning speaker and international consultant.
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