|
Learning From All Our Relationships
|
By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
[Hits: 12570]
|
|
The following article is offered for free use in your ezine,print publication or on your web site, so long as the authorresource box at the end is included. Notification of publicationwould be appreciated.
Title: Learning From All Our Relationships Author: MargaretPaul, Ph.D. E-mail: mailto:margaret@innerbonding.com Copyright:? 2003 by Margaret Paul Web Address: http://www.innerbonding.comWord Count: 698 Category: Relationships
LEARNING FROM ALL OUR RELATIONSHIPS By Margaret Paul, Ph.D.
All of our issues come up in our relationships - our fears ofdomination, rejection, abandonment, of being wrong, embarrassed,or humiliated. Relationships bring up our deepest fears of lossof self and loss of other, which triggers our deep learnedprotections - anger, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, andcompliance.
While our dysfunctional patterns emerge most clearly in primaryrelationships with a partner, these patterns are certainlyactivated in friendships, work relationships, and relationshipswith our parents and children. Therefore, if you are not in aprimary relationship with a partner, do not despair! You canstill be learning from and evolving through all yourrelationships.
Craig, one of my clients, has not been in a committedrelationship for about seven years. Yet most of the work we dotogether revolves around the problems he has in his workrelationships and friendships. Craig is a person who hates to becontrolled by others. As soon as he feels someone wantingsomething from him such as time, attention, or approval, hefeels smothered and withdraws. He is highly sensitive to peoplecoming to him from an inner emptiness and "pulling" on him tofill them up. However, his withdrawal doesnĄ¯t work well for him.When a "puller" comes up against CraigĄ¯s resistance, the otherperson tends to pull even more. Craig, who doesnĄ¯t want toappear rude, ends up giving himself up and caretaking - givingthe person what he or she wants. He then feels angry and findshimself not even wanting to be around that person any more. Thissame dynamic occurred in both of his marriages.
Craig is in the process of developing a powerful adult self whocan speak his truth when feeling pulled on rather thanwithdrawing or complying. He is learning that it may be lovingto himself to be open to learning with the other person and saysomething like, "I feel there is something you are wanting fromme. What is it?" He is learning that it may be loving to himselfto say, "When you pull on me for approval (or time orattention), it doesnĄ¯t feel good. I would like to have a caringrelationship with you, but I donĄ¯t want to be responsible foryour good feelings."
Every interaction we have with others is a reflection of ourbeliefs about ourselves, and we have the opportunity to learnfrom each difficult interaction. For example, if we believe weare inadequate, unlovable, not enough, or unimportant, we willtend to take personally othersĄ¯ cold or judgmental behaviortoward us. We may feel rejected and alone, and respond withanger, resentment, hurt or withdrawal. Our painful feelings andreactive behavior can alert us to the fact that we need toexplore our limiting beliefs about ourselves. If you know youare a caring and compassionate person, and your definition ofyour self-worth is based on who you are rather than on what youdo, how you perform or how you look, then you will be much lesslikely to take otherĄ¯s cold or judgmental behavior personally.You might respond with understanding, compassion or with gentlyremoving yourself from the situation, but you would not feelhurt by otherĄ¯s behavior, nor would you get angry, resentful orwithdrawn.
All our relationships and our reactions to them provide fertileground for our personal and spiritual growth. If you are willingto notice all painful interactions and feelings - even to peoplewith whom you are not involved, such as the person who cut youoff on the freeway or the clerk at the market who was rude - youcan learn much about your false beliefs about yourself and aboutwhat you can and cannot control. Your feelings such as anger atthe person who cut you off on the freeway or resentment towardthe rude clerk are red flags that let you know itĄ¯s time to lookwithin and explore the beliefs that are causing your difficultfeelings. When you recognize that your feelings are coming fromyour own beliefs rather than from the otherĄ¯s behavior, you areon the road to personal responsibility and the personal powerthat comes with that.
|
|
|
|
|
|
