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I'm Sorry! Blame-Game or Accountability?
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By Sharon Ellison
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A powerful tool for health as we approach the new year can be tofocus on giving and/or receiving only real apologies when wewant to heal a rift with a family member, friend, or co-worker.We hear apologies all the time, but I don¡¯t think many of themare sincere. An apology has to be real to heal. Trang Lei spentthe day helping Martha buy furniture and art for her remodeledliving room, but Martha never even offered to buy Trang Lei¡¯slunch and so she felt unappreciated. Later when she told Marthashe felt hurt, Martha said, ¡°I¡¯m sorry. I was just so excitedabout what I was buying that I didn¡¯t even think about it.¡±Trang Lei did not feel better. In fact, she felt worse. ¡¤ Whatwas wrong with Martha¡¯s apology? Martha¡¯s apology came with abuilt-in excuse, implying that however she behaved wasunintentional¡ªbeyond her conscious control. Moreover, Martha hasan expectation that Trang Lei will accept the excuse. Thus,Martha perpetuates the original problem by continuing to be morefocused on herself than on Trang Lei. I call this kind ofapology ¡°Sorry-Excuse.¡± Even Martha wasn¡¯t consciouslymanipulating, her goal was not to take responsibility but tofind a way out of it. In most cases, if you don¡¯t accept otherpeople¡¯s excuses when they apologize, they will quickly getirrupted at you, blaming you for not being understanding. Whenwe receive a counterfeit apology we often sense it and so ratherthan the hurt being healed, it is deepened¡ªas in the old saying,¡°adding insult to injury.¡± I think almost all of us give suchapologies. And we model it for our children. Guidelines formaking real apologies: One: Identify common formats for apologythat are" counterfeit." If you clearly various types of bogusapologies, it will help you recognize when you give or receivean one. Here are some examples of common phrasing. ¡¤¡°Sorry¡ªExcuse¡± ¡¤ Example: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t call¡ªI¡¯ve beenreally busy.¡± ¡¤ Translation: Please be understanding about thefact that other things were more important than you.¡± ¡¤¡°Sorry¡ªDenial of Intent¡± ¡¤ Example: ¡°I¡¯m sorry you took it thatway. It wasn¡¯t what I meant.¡± ¡¤ Translation: I think it¡¯s toobad that you had difficulty understanding me correctly. ¡¤Example: ¡°I¡¯m sorry if I offended you.¡± ¡¤ Translation: I can¡¯tthink of anything I did wrong, but if you think so, I¡¯d be happyto apologize so I can get back in your good graces. ¡¤¡°Sorry¡ªBlame¡± ¡¤ Example: ¡°I¡¯m sorry I didn¡¯t call sooner. Haveyou been feeling Insecure about our relationship lately?¡± ¡¤Translation: If you are upset about my not calling, the realcause is your own insecurity, not anything I did. Two: Only say¡°I¡¯m sorry,¡± when you mean it and can specify exactly what youare apologizing for When we give what I believe is a ¡°healthy¡±or authentic apology, we can state clearly what we did that wasdisrespectful or inconsiderate without: ¡¤ immediately explainingwhy we did it, ¡¤ telling the person that however it looked orsounded, it wasn¡¯t our real intention, or, ¡¤ bringing up someother issue that suggests that the other person contributed toor caused the problem. For example, instead of focusing on whyshe didn¡¯t buy Trang-Lei¡¯s lunch¡ªher excuse, Martha could havetaken full responsibility, saying, ¡°I¡¯m so sorry I hurt you.There is no excuse for me to forget to buy your lunch. Even thatwould have been a small thank you for how much you helped me.And you spent your only day off doing it.¡± Here, Martha uses herapology to show her real appreciation as well as her sadnessthat she didn¡¯t do so earlier. ¡¤ Three: Decline to accept anapology that is not given sincerely. When you accept an apology,and then walk away knowing it wasn¡¯t real, you enter a world ofmake-believe where you pretend an issue is resolved whileharboring resentments. Gently, firmly, without anger, you candecline a hollow apology. For example: ¡¤ If you believe that Isimply misunderstood you, then I would rather not have anapology from you. ¡¤ Only if you believe you did somethinghurtful would I want one. When you refuse to accept an insincereapology, you refuse to surrender to being manipulated orpacified and you hold the other person more accountable¡ªwithouthaving to argue or try to force an apology. You are likely tofeel greater confidence. Real Apologies Build Character andRespect If we can change how we give and receive apologies, wecan become less defensive, gain insight, grow wiser, andstrengthen all of our relationships. We can also, then, be astrong model for others, including our children, teaching themthat real apologies show strength of character, gain the respectof others, and have great healing power.
This article is based on the book Taking the War Out of OurWords by Sharon Ellison, available through your local bookstoreor favorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an awardwinning speaker and international consultant.
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