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Get Out of Jail Free: Stop Being Defensive
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By Sharon Ellison
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When Marcus and Sally first met they immediately felt likekindred spirits. Marcus was generally warm and open. But astheir relationship continued, Sally noticed that sometimes whenhe was upset he had trouble talking. When she asked Marcus whatwas bothering him, he would reply that nothing was wrong. Onlywhen she coaxed him would he eventually tell her. As time wenton, his resistance increased. The more she probed, the morereluctant he was . . . neither of them felt an ounce of kinship;they didn¡¯t even like each other. (Taking the War Out of OurWords, pp. 8-9) Sadly, this is how many of us expect arelationship to unfold. After the ¡°honeymoon period¡± and ¡°reallife¡± sets in, people get into ongoing conflicts that erode thebond of love between them, imprisoning them in long-term powerstruggles. It happens with our children and our own parents, aswell as with our intimate partner or spouse. Is this just theway things have to be? I don¡¯t think so. I believe that most ofus, whatever our race or culture, have learned a way of talkingto each other that is based on the ¡°rules of war.¡± So, forcenturies, we¡¯ve been using rules for talking to each other thatactually create and intensify conflict! How does it work? Well,in a war, whenever you feel threatened by someone, you getdefensive. And that¡¯s just what we do in our relationships, evenwith the people we love most. How long does it take you to getdefensive? When I ask audience members how long it takes to getdefensive when someone pushes their buttons or puts them down,the answers range from ¡°a nano-second¡± to ¡°instantly!¡± Whatabout you? In Sally¡¯s case, she got more aggressive as time wenton. When Marcus would say, ¡®I told you, nothing is wrong!¡±¡¯Sally would move quickly into her own anger . . . ¡®Look, I amnot a stupid woman. I can tell when something is wrong!¡¯ (TWOW,p. 9) Marcus is sending a double message, glowering in his chairwhile saying he¡¯s not upset, and Sally is trying to force him totalk. Both are behaving in ways that are manipulative andcontrolling. What can we do differently? Well, this is a bigtask, but one I believe is well worth the effort. The skills weneed to communicate non-defensively are actually rather simple.When I teach them to third graders they learn them quickly. Asadults, we have more to unlearn and we often resist change. Hereare some key steps. Number One: The non-defensive mind and heartset¡ªStop trying to control the other person: For example, we cangive up the idea of ¡°getting through¡± to the other person,making her or him listen to us or admit something. Whenever wedo that, are trying to force the other person to change. Suchforce creates war. Number Two: Disarming questions¡ª Focus oncuriosity: When Marcus, slumped and scowling, says he is ¡°fine,¡±Sally does have an important piece of information. For somereason he can¡¯t or won¡¯t talk about what is going on. Sally hadbegun to work on her own defensiveness, and one day when Marcusseemed upset, she asked him gently, without conveying anycoaxing, demand or accusation: Are you going to refuse to talkto me if I ask you what is wrong?¡± Sally reported that Marcussat stone-silent for a while and then ¡°it was as if the stonemelted, and tears streamed down his face. (Taking the War Out ofOur Words, p. 98) They had the best talk they'd had in years. Itcan seem like a miracle when we ask a question that is simplycurious, when we don¡¯t try to control the answer. Sally said sheand Marcus had the best talk they¡¯d had in years. But what ifthe person doesn¡¯t open up? What do we do then? Number Three:Giving Feedback¡ªBe honest without blame: We can tell the personwhat we are witnessing without trying to prove our point. Sallycould say to Marcus, (1) ¡°When I hear you say that you are fine,which usually means to me that someone is in a pretty good mood,and (2) (2) at the same time I see you frowning and slumped inyour chair, then (3) (3) it seems to me that you are upset, butdon¡¯t want to tell me why.¡± In one sentence, Sally has givenMarcus information about what she thinks his words are saying,what she sees his body expressing that contradicts his words,and what her conclusion is about why he is acting that way. Butshe has not tried in any way to force him to admit to anythingor to do anything differently. Number Four: Express your ownthoughts, feelings and beliefs¡ªShare your own vulnerability.Once the person knows how we see the situation, we can expressour own reactions without being defensive. Sally might continueher statement to Marcus by saying: (4) ¡°So I feel helpless, andit¡¯s hard for me not to try to make you talk, but I don¡¯t thinkthat is good for either of us.¡± Number Five: Predictions (LimitSetting)¡ªCreate security by being predictable: We can tell theother person ahead of time how we will respond to certainchoices he or she might make. Sally can let Marcus know what shewill do if he decides either to talk or not to talk. Forexample, she might say, (1) ¡°If you decide to tell me what isgoing on, I would really like to talk to you about it. (2) Ifyou don¡¯t want to talk, then I¡¯m going to go work in the yard soI don¡¯t get tempted to try to drag it out of you.¡± The Outcome:We simply gather information, give information, and providesecurity by letting the person know how we are going to respondto certain choices he or she might make. Never do we try tocontrol the other person¡¯s responses. Even if the other personstays defensive, we can be more peaceful and we can communicatewith integrity and clarity. We can set boundaries that keep usout of power struggle and strengthen our own self-esteem. Themiracle is how often the other person will drop her or hisdefenses and open up. After a decade of fighting when Marcuswithdrew in silence, Sally¡¯s single question dissolved hisdefenses and he was able to tell her about the war going oninside of him that kept him from talking when he was upset. Thisarticle is based on the book Taking the War Out of Our Words bySharon Ellison, available through your local bookstore orfavorite online bookseller. Sharon Ellison, M.S. is an awardwinning speaker and international consultant.
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