One peculiar feature of a stepfamily is that they are built on a \rnegative foundation. A stepfamily couple comes to their new \rhome with a full set of baggage, containing memories, \rwounds, and habits. Probably the biggest piece of baggage \rthat sits in the way of your developing a new life is your \rconnection to your ex¨Cspouse.

And, while some ex-es go away physically, many more \rhaunt your life as well as your memories. One of the great \rmysteries of divorce and remarriage is why many \rex-spouses just refuse to turn loose.

It has been said that divorce is the single cruelest thing one \rperson can do to another person. The one soul you trusted \rmore than any other with your secrets, your hopes, and your \rweaknesses turns from their vows and wrenches \rthemselves from your living heart. The phenomenon of the \rspiteful, vengeful ex-spouse is such a problem that the \rmajority of emails we receive are on that subject.

However, in working with thousands of stepfamilies around \rthe world, we've found two facts to be true about dealing with \rthese vindictive ex-es (and they¡¯re nearly always ex-wives!):

1) The kids see the truth. Kids aren't stupid. And, although \rthey have a natural tendency to defend even the worst \rbio-parent, they can see for themselves when adults lie and \ruse them. They see both sides of the story, in both homes. \rThese kids know what your personalities are like, versus \rher personality. And they are keeping track of everything she \rtells them that doesn¡¯t add up.

Now, this doesn't mean that you can use this fact to try to \rturn the kids to your side. You must behave in the most \rChristian manner you can.

Which leads to one of our Cardinal Rules: Never Criticize \rYour Stepkids¡¯ Other Parent In Front of the Kids. She may \ractually be a psychopathic shrew or he may indeed be an \ralcoholic abuser, but if you criticize those monsters where \rthe kids can hear you, those kids will defend them¡ªeither \raloud or in their minds.

2) Wicked ex-es are not as strong as God. This is a weapon \ryou can use for your defense and against them. If you \rpresent the best example of a selfless, loving, gentle \rChristian stepparent that you possibly can, your stepkids \rwill be able to see and feel the difference in spirit between \rlove and hate. Also, if you constantly return kindness for \revery time she is mean to you, you will wear her down.

These are not ¡°pie in the sky¡± dreams. I've seen them \rhappen in my own stepfamily and in many others. It is a \rChristian concept, but it¡¯s also fundamental nature. You are \rnot responsible for how she acts toward you. You are only \rresponsible for how you act ... or react ... toward her. Act in \rsuch a way that you can feel comfortable with yourself. Show \rthose kids how a real woman handles problems¡ªwith \rstrength and self control!

While it is sometimes necessary to stand up to vindictive \rex-es, the only approach I have ever seen to be completely \reffective in securing a peaceful home in relation to your \rex-spouse is to reach out in love. Now, I¡¯m not throwing \rflowers around and saying everyone will get just along \rtogether. But I am saying that it¡¯s pretty much impossible to \rfight with someone who won¡¯t fight back.

I¡¯ll fall back on some sage advice which says that, ¡°If we only \rlove our friends and hate our enemies, how are we any \rbetter than them? But I say unto you, Love your enemies, \rbless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, \rand pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute \ryou.¡±

Look at it this way, if you simply react to your ex-es attacks \revery time he or she says something about you, who is in \rcontrol of your life? Your ex is.

However, if, no matter what they say about you or do to you, \ryou refuse to stoop to their level, if you insist on acting in a \rsuperior manner, you¡ªnot your ex¡ªare still in control of \ryour mind and life.

Jesus wasn¡¯t teaching, in the above passage from Matthew, \rchapter 5, that we are supposed to be wimps. On the \rcontrary, it takes much more courage and character to \ranswer an attack with an attempt to make peace. It is \rharder, but it is more rewarding.

The only sure way to win is to get everyone on the same \rside.

by Bobby Collins\r? copyright 2000

Bobby Collins is a stepdad first, then a minister, a certified \rfamily mediator, and founder of STEP-Carefully! for \rStepparents!, the largest faith-based support organization \rfor stepfamilies in the country. His articles have appeared in \rnational publications and he has appeared on national TV \rand radio programs always teaching stepparents how to \rhave healthier, happier families. His organization can be\rreached on the Internet at http://www.stepcarefully\r.com where visitors will find free articles, a free \rnewsletter, and a book store with proven stepfamily \rresources for sale. Collins is best known for his private \rfamily mediation between husbands and wives, \rex-spouses, and stepparents and their stepkids. With over a \rdecade of experience, he has helped thousands of \rstepfamilies survive and succeed. Contact him directly at coach@stepcareful\rly.com