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Infidelity Discovered: Why He/She Won't Tell Me the Truth?
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By Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infid
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Upon discovery of infidelity there is often a strong need toknow the details. What happened? When? Where? Why? etc. Thereasons for these questions are examined in my first article onthis subject: "Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong."
You have the need to know, but his/her lips are sealed or walksaway, ignores or bypasses your questions, puts it back on you,denies or does other numbers on you to keep you away fromknowing what really happened. There are predictable reasons whythis happens. Here's some of them:
1. Your partner/spouse is involved in an "I don't want to sayno" affair. Your partner probably is a person wrapped up in hisown ego, personal needs, and life style. He can rationalize thebehavior and actually come to the conclusion that he is entitledto get his needs met this way. After all, he is such amagnanimous person! Bottom line: your needs and concerns reallydon't matter! He doesn't want to talk about them and seesabsolutely no reason to get "bogged down" in what is importantto you.
2. Your spouse/partner is involved in an "I can't say no"affair. Your partner finds it painfully difficult to respond toyour need to know out of shame and guilt. She sees, at onelevel, her actions becoming more and more destructive anddegrading and believes, again at an unspoken level usually, thatshe has less and less control over her actions. Guilt and shamefollow the infidelity with self-promises to break off thebehavior. However, these promises are usually broken. She isashamed for you to know this struggle.
3. Your partner/spouse is involved in a "revenge" affair. Hewants you to squirm. This may not be front and center in hisconsciousness, but just below the surface is some resentment andanger, for whatever reason, aimed in your direction. He thinks:"Hmmmm this is payback time. Good. Now she knows what it's liketo be on the receiving end. I'll continue this for a while...andsecretly enjoy her torment. I won't give her the satisfaction ofresponding in a caring way to her needs."
4. Your partner/spouse is involved in an affair with the intentupon proving her desirability. In some cases where there is ahistory of sexual abuse as a child, or rape as an adult, yourpartner may compartmentalize the "affair" to the degree that shemight not consciously remember the details or events of herinfidelity. The infidelity may serve in a pre-conscious fashionas an attempt to amend for the painful sexual history. She mayNOT indeed remember what you ask for.
5. Your partner/spouse is involved in affairs such as: " I fellout of love" or "My Marriage Made Me Do It" or "I Want to beClose to Someone...but can't stand intimacy." Often, theinfidelity in these cases represents the need to deal withdependency issues. By that I mean, your partner may definehimself in terms of how others respond to him rather than hisinner values, standards, purpose, etc. This person's life iswrapped around others. And his life is still wrapped around you.You want to know. He doesn't tell you... for fear of "hurtingyou" or becoming embroiled in pain or conflict from which hecannot seemingly extricate. What you (or others) think, feel andhow you respond are TOO important to him.
As you see, the reasons for not getting the information you needfor your own sense of validation and acknowledgement are variedand fairly complex. Allow yourself to stand back and examine thethemes and patterns you encounter. With the power of thisknowledge you gain the freedom to use different strategies andtactics to work toward resolution.
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